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updated 10.08.2006
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Subject: A "Kiss"
After
finally putting out a house fire, this exhausted fire fighter sat
down to rest. The pregnant Doberman he had rescued earlier by carrying her
out of the burning house, started to walk straight toward him. A
photographer
from the Charlotte, North Carolina newspaper, "The Observer," noticed this
and wondered what she was going to do. As he raised his camera, the
Doberman
came up to the tired man who had saved her life (and the lives of her
babies), and kissed him, as the photographer snapped this photo.
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may you
get your share of slurps today, too.
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Subject:
The
Four Cats
Four
men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an
Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.To show off, the Engineer called his
cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square
pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a
circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty
smart.
The
Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen
and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3
cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.
The
Chemist called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure
got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass
from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling an extra
drop into the glass.
Everyone
agreed that was pretty impressive.
The
three men then turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can
your cat do?"
The
Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your
stuff." CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his
back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for Workers Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on
sick leave..........
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Subject: Fw: Clean Your Toilet
How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
Instructions on how to clean your toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet
shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him
towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and
close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never
mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying
this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a
"power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure
that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly
lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through
the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely, The Dog
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Subject: old guys
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe
courts and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and
fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer
decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and
look It over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "W! e're not coming out
until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to
watch
you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. Holding the
bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
My Goldfish Died
>Little
eight-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced
youngster was doing, he asked, "What are doing there, Nancy?"
>"My
goldfish died," Nancy sobbed, "and I've just buried him." The
obnoxious neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really
big hole for a little Goldfish, don't you think?"
>Nancy patted down the last
heap of earth with her shovel and replied, "That's because he's inside
your f ***ing cat."
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SWEDISH MATH
Sven wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
little math test.
Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Swede says, "Dat is easy." And he
proceeds to
draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says
Sven.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question.
Use the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
Sven stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Swede, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."
Sven stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and
makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!" (Thought you'd like this one.)
Sven leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and
says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd,
dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"
_____
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Top 10 Dog peeves about humans
1. Blaming your farts on me... not
funny... not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN'
DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check
stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my
nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You
fooled a dog! Whooo Hoooooooo -- what a proud moment for the top
of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",
then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your
guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello?? Haven't you
noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous .
My heart goes out to dogs. They are sooooooooooo!
misunderstood. Enjoy your day. ta,ta.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the
door to the freezer?
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language
and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and
I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He
was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
==============================================================
Dear God:
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in
Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize to ALL of them or just the
one's I actually caught?
Dear God,
How come people love to
smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their
priorities?
Dear God,
When my family eats
dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So... I've
been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my
own blessing?
Dear God,
When we get to Heaven,
can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are
there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the
stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a
cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot
have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the
Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head
off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God,
If we come back as
humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly
Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets,
or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time,
but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!
Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are
not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to
order? Or is it that thing about carpets again?
Sincerely, Rocky
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HOW MANY
DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
American Staffordshire
Terrier:
How much food will I get and how often does the bulb burn out?
Australian Shepherd:
First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
Border Collie:
Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......
Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Dachshund:
You know I can’t reach that damned stupid lamp!
English Bulldog:
Can I eat it?
Golden Retriever
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us,
and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Greyhound:
It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Hound Dog:
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z z z z z z z z
Jack Russell Terrier:
I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off
the walls and furniture Poodle:
I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear
and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be
dry.
Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh?
Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?
Doberman Pinscher:
While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.
Pointer: -
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....
Rottweiler: - Make me.
Cat:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.
So how long will it be before I can expect
light?
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RESUMING
MY DIET
I have a Great Dane & I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if
I had a dog (?). On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The
Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time but that
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that
it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to
load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every
time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was
going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the
guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
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